Mayhem Fest Diary: Introduction

Mayhem Festival II is tomorrow. I'll be making the trip up to Comcast Theatre with seven of my bros, and it's sure to be a killer time. I still remember every moment of last year's festival; naturally, I'm expecting a lot from tomorrow's concert. I was lucky enough to catch the Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival on its inaugural run last year, at Nassau Coliseum. When that night ended, I vowed with my friends that we would come back next year. Looking forward, we're pumped, and ready for more mayhem!

At Mayhem Fest, fans get the chance to see over a dozen excellent musical groups, walk around and check out merch booths, meet and greet all of their favorite bands, grab some second-rate food at premium prices, and sweat out a few pounds and get a neck tan in the over-90 degree heat. Think Warped Tour, but a lot more metal. It's not a bad comparison, considering both tours were masterminded by the same dude: Kevin Lyman. Out of all the touring festivals this year, though, Mayhem is the one you've gotta go to, trust me on that.

Who's playing? Glad you asked! This year features a vastly superior lineup, spread across more genres. The three-stage setup from last year is retained. The Jagermeister and Hot Topic stages are outside, next to each other, but neither has two bands playing simultaneously. This works in the favor of efficiency, as one band exits one stage, and another band is expected to start their set on the other stage within seconds. No wait time between bands? It's a concertgoer's dream come true! The Main stage still has breaks between sets, though, and is located in the stadium, to accommodate the masses of metalheads who will be gathering for the headliners.

The names attached to this tour command some serious attention: Marilyn Manson and Slayer. Crazy that they would unite for a co-headlining gig so soon, but definitely a package that appeals to a broad audience. For those who don't know, get familiar with the acts: Marilyn Manson is a shock-rock performer who plays industrial metal. Slayer is a famed thrash metal band who've been shredding since the 80s. Joining them on the Main stage are Killswitch Engage, an emo band full of metal posers, and Bullet for My Valentine, a metal band that blends old-school instruments with new-school vocals.

On the Jagermeister stage are: Trivium, All That Remains, and God Forbid, a trio of metalcore bands turned thrash, as well as a Jager opening band. Each stop on the tour features a different band, so fans of Mayhem nationwide will all have different Festival experiences. The Hot Topic stage features: Cannibal Corpse, 90s progenitors of brutal death metal; Behemoth, Polish blackened death metal titans, also the only foreign band on the tour; Job for a Cowboy, a popular deathcore act; The Black Dahlia Murder, a dynamic and talented band that incorporates a diverse range of death metal styles; and Whitechapel, a new deathcore band that is quickly making waves within their scene.

That's the gist of it. Come back in a few days, and you can read all about how it was, the bands' sets, any random weird stuff that happened, the whole deal. I have a damn good feeling about tomorrow!

Long live the mayhem!

-Psychotic Pulse

100 Reasons to Hate Chris Barnes

1) He's Chris Barnes. Do you need any more reasons that that?

2) He's ugly as fuck.

3) He's a terrible vocalist.

4) Six Feet Under sucks huge balls.

5) Cannibal Corpse wrote better songs after he left.

6) All of his songs sound better with George Fisher on the mic.

7) Chris Barnes produced the worst lyrical compositions known to man.

8) He shoves pro-marijuana propaganda down our throats.

9) The fuckin' guy can't even sing without smoking pot first.

10) He's talentless.

11) He's worse than every single one of his contemporaries.

12) He wrote a song called "Shot in the Head".

13) He actually thinks he's good.

14) He thinks he's better than George Fisher (What's that smell? Must be bullshit!)

15) Six Feet Under's guitarwork takes almost no skill to play.

16) Six Feet Under's basswork takes almost no skill to play.

17) Six Feet Under's drumwork takes almost no skill to play.

18) He brought in Ice-T to rap on one song. I repeat, Ice-T RAPS in Six Feet Under.

19) He probably smells really bad.

20) His dreads make him look like a pussy.

21) He doesn't shower.

22) When he first started Cannibal Corpse, he wanted to play the bass.

23) HAHAHA seriously?! LOL @ bass.

24) He only growls because he wasn't talented enough to sing, according to him.

25) He's full of himself.

26) He records horrible death metal covers of classic songs, disgracing them.

27) He made an entire album of those called Graveyard Classics.

28) Later, his band went back in the studio and created Graveyard Classics 2. Ugh.

29) They recorded a cover of Back in Black by AC/DC in its entirety. Fuck.

30) He thinks it's ok that he ruined one of the best rock albums in history.

31) Anyone with a low voice can growl like Chris Barnes effortlessly.

32) Six Feet Under has 8 original studio albums. WHY?!

33) No one has attempted to assassinate Chris Barnes yet... and they should have.

34) He writes songs about raping children.

35) He writes songs about necrophilia.

36) Jim Carrey cracking his neck grosses out Chris Barnes.

37) He looks stupid. He probably can't spell.

38) He would make a terrible babysitter.

39) He makes other people with his name feel ashamed.

40) He's fucking fat as shit.

41) He joined a Six Feet Under cover band, Torture Killer.

42) He performed covers of his own songs, in a different band. What's the point?!

43) He's useless to the world.

44) He can't multiply 14567 x 6783 in his head.

45) Nor can he divide those two numbers in his head.

46) ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA CHRIS BARNES LOL!

47) He's part of the worst band of all time.

48) He didn't unlock Vincent's Turk outfit.

49) He originates near Canada. Meaning, he can't form a band. Unless he's in Rush.

50) No one wants to wear a Chris Barnes shirt.

51) No one wants to wear ANYTHING with Chris Barnes's face on it.

52) Especially not Chris Barnes underwear.

53) I would feel comfortable using Chris Barnes toiletpaper though.

54) His mind is in the gutter.

55) He lives in Beverly Hills, California. What the fuck.

56) If he's rich enough to live there, he doesn't deserve it.

57) The world is a worse place because of him.

58) He exposes new metal listeners to shitty music.

59) He gives death metal a bad name.

60) He doesn't have the ability to sing/growl fast.

61) Smoking too much weed killed all his brain cells.

62) I told you to hate him.

63) Hypothetically, he could murder your whole family.

64) There's a "Best of Six Feet Under" album, whose title is a misnomer.

65) He didn't play Psychonauts.

66) He hasn't accomplished anything, yet is known.

67) He doesn't know all the words to "The Toxic Waltz".

68) Six Feet Under is in the studio right now recording *gulp* Graveyard Classics 3.

69) I almost vomited when I wrote that.

70) It's coming out THIS YEAR.

71) Any song sung by Chris Barnes would sound terrible.

72) He can't shoot a bullet with another bullet, blindfolded, while riding a horse.

73) His mother's a whore.

74) He enjoys sodomy.

75) Anal Cunt wrote an awesome song called "Chris Barnes is a Pussy".

76) His vocals are incomprehensible most of the time.

77) He's not cool.

78) If you asked to borrow his car, he'd say no.

79) He has huge, disgusting gauges in his ears.

80) Death Rituals is the worst abomination of an album ever conceived.

81) Death Rituals is so bad, it deserves another line.

82) "Death By Machete"

83) "Involuntary Movement of Dead Flesh"

84) "None Will Escape"

85) "Eulogy for the Undead"

86) "Seed of Filth"

87) "Bastard"

88) "Into the Crematorium"

89) "Shot in the Head"

90) "Killed in Your Sleep"

91) "Crossroads to Armageddon"

92) "Ten Deadly Plagues"
93) "Crossing the River Styx"
94) "Murder Addiction"

95) These songs are already terrible musically, but c'mon... those titles... really?

96) His songs are repetitive as hell and drag on incessantly.

97) The intro at the beginning of "Shot in the Head" is way too long.

98) I have nothing good to say about Chris Barnes.

99) He has perfected his killing technique.

100) Barnes-fest would be a terrible music festival.