Opinion Column by Mattysandwich
Also check my blog at http://www.mattysandwich.blogspot.com/
Welcome to the Sand Witch Review. I’m Mattysandwich and here is my, hey wait a minute where am I this isn’t my blog?
Psychoticpulse: Hey Matty it’s me Psycho and I want you to do a review on metal from a non metal head perspective.
Mattysandwich: well what if I say no?
Psychoticpulse: I’ll turn you straight.
Mattysandwich: I would like to see you try! There isn’t a force on the planet stronger then my yaoi!
Psychoticpulse: I have more porn then you will ever be able to comprehend inside my box. Do not listen to me and I will open the box. You don’t want me to open the box, do you?
So let’s not waste any time shall we? What can I say about metal? Well, a lot of things but most of them aren’t nice. Alright that’s a little cruel but here’s my reasoning behind it I don’t hear anything. With some metal the instruments are so loud that you can’t hear what the singer is saying and if you can hear him he sounds like he has some retarded speech disorder. I mean, it sounds like a lot of groaning. What’s so musically inspiring about groaning? I could just as easily wake up next to a few of my friends and I get that same kind of reaction. Also, a lot of metal lyrics are really dark. I mean, sure everyone tries to bring a message, but when you’re bringing a message about ripping people’s limbs off and eating there flesh, what are you trying to explain? The only thing that I can think of is that metal is a code word for crying for psychological help in which case the right people better be ready to listen.
Psychoticpulse: No Matty you’re not doing what I asked you to do.
Matty: You asked me to review metal Psycho! I’m reviewing it based off the general feeling I have of it.
Psychoticpulse: Alright then fair enough. Why don’t you review a few songs then so that you can get a real taste for metal?
Matty: Come on Psycho do I really have to?
Psychoticpulse: The box Matty.
Matty: Alright then you win give me your songs. Just don’t open the box I beg you.
Psychoticpulse: I thought you would see it my way.
Alright well since I’m reviewing metal I have been given a list of different types of metal. The first song on my list is “Run to the Hills,“ by Iron Maiden. Alright, this song loses right off the bat. I only listened to the first verse and I already wanted to kill them. Although there message is strong about the white man destroying everything, they themselves are white! So when they talk about how they fought the white man, did they smash mirrors wherever they went? I mean come on the message makes no sense. And then just to top it all off it talks about rape and killing children. Come on metal I don’t want my stereotypes to be right. I want to wake up every morning with the knowledge I give everything I try but you’re making it so god damn hard. I’ll give it one thing though, it does have good instrumentals. However this makes me wish that my other stereotype was right and that this song’s lyrics would be blocked out by them. Overall I’m rating this two out of five let’s hope the next song is better.
The next song I get to look at on my fun list is “Angel of Death,” by Slayer. Alright since you know I’m going to be ripping this song a new asshole by the end of this short review let me first say what I like. I actually appreciate the message this song brings out. Although rather disturbing, overall the holocaust was extremely disturbing so it would only be right if the lyrics matched it as well. Now that I got that out of my system, let me be the first to say that this guy sucks at singing! I mean, did he even try? It sounds like he’s trying to make the song harder to understand. Come on singer this is the first set of lyrics I agree with at least give me a clear delivery! Also I dislike the band’s music. Unlike Iron Maiden when the music was tolerable, this music is too beat crazy and I hate it. Fortunately I can mute it and turn on my new song. I’m giving this song another two out of five and let’s see how the next one pans out.
Matty: Alright, you know what I’m not reviewing this. I gave in to everything else but this is the where I draw the line.
Psychoticpulse: Do you want me to open the box Matty?
Matty: I don’t care anymore. There is no way in hell I am reviewing “Stripped, Raped, And Strangled” by Cannibal Corpse.
Psychoticpulse: You know I also have a bag full of yuri. Even if you survive the first wave there’s no way you’re getting past this.
Matty: Please, this has to end.
Psychoticpulse: And it will with the bag of yuri. “Begins to open bag and already Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune begin to make out.”
Matty: Alright you win! I can’t take it I fall to your blade.
So yeah, I’m also going to be reviewing “Stripped, Raped, And Strangled” by Cannibal Corpse God help me. I don’t even think I need to listen to the song the answer to my review is right in the title. I mean, come on could be any more subtle? It’s like walking around naked there has to be some kind of penalty for it. Yes it turns out there is a penalty for this kind of music and it is that I believe Australia which forbids them from having any concerts there. And as they should this kind of music really should have no place. I believe like rap, this music should be burned at the stake. This song gets a one out of five. Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover?
Now it’s time for my next song Hair metal: “Nothin’ But a Good Time” by Poison. Alright I enjoyed this song. There’s no rape or murder in the lyrics just a normal song. The singer is easy on the ears and so is the band. Well this is a good song. In fact, maybe this will change my entire perspective on metal. Well, it might once bands like Cannibal Corpse burn in hell. Until then, I’ll listen to this song from the shadows. This songs deserves a five out of five. Finally, something that I can say I enjoyed.
Alright now it’s time for my next song "This Calling" by All That Remains. I remember this song from Guitar Hero. I appreciate this song’s chorus but the verses can quietly mute themselves. While I’m confused on what the lyrics are trying to explain because the only thing I can translate is the calling verses and the lyrics aren’t helping too much. Oh well, the instruments were good and I can say that this is not the worst I heard so far. I’m rating this three out of five because it can be better, but I’m not complaining.
The next song on the list is “Inferno” by Symphony X. I can safely say that this is definitely a high lighter of metal. While it’s still playing on some of my metal stereotypes, it doesn’t obsess in them so I can actually enjoy it. I feel like a nobody feeling happiness, something that shouldn’t happen but is. This is actually making me really happy. In fact, since this song is making me so happy I’m going to give it a five out of five. Hopefully the last song won’t ruin it for me.
Holy crap did I choose the wrong song to end this review on. Incase you didn’t know, I am referring to “Through the Fire and Flames” by DragonForce. God this song sounds like it’s in a rush to be finish it’s going so fast. Not only is it in a rush it’s also not well constructed in any way. It’s just fast. I mean, is anyone trying to follow the lyrics? Another problem is that this song is aggravatingly long. I mean, come on! Couldn’t you shorten it to three minutes? I would even deal with four but seven minutes twenty one seconds?! Think of all the other things this band could be doing with there time if they weren’t making there songs as long as some computer games. They could be helping starving kids in Africa, finding a cure for cancer, or even driving off a cliff with Cannibal Corpse. Any one out of the three I would prefer. This song I’m giving a one out of five and don’t you dare comment on how I’m being too harsh.
So yeah, this is my review on metal. I have to admit it wasn’t as painful as I thought and to be honest, I actually enjoyed myself a tad. However in truth I will continue to see this genre of music through my biased eyes and it’s going to take a while before I’m ready to fully embrace it. Or maybe once Cannibal Corpse dies horribly I’ll give it another go either one is going to take time. While I wish I didn’t have to do this review, at least he didn’t open the bag again. Well, I’m logging off now. This has been a Sand Witch Review and until next time, your time is out.
Welcome to the Sand Witch Review. I’m Mattysandwich and here is my, hey wait a minute where am I this isn’t my blog?
Psychoticpulse: Hey Matty it’s me Psycho and I want you to do a review on metal from a non metal head perspective.
Mattysandwich: well what if I say no?
Psychoticpulse: I’ll turn you straight.
Mattysandwich: I would like to see you try! There isn’t a force on the planet stronger then my yaoi!
Psychoticpulse: I have more porn then you will ever be able to comprehend inside my box. Do not listen to me and I will open the box. You don’t want me to open the box, do you?
So let’s not waste any time shall we? What can I say about metal? Well, a lot of things but most of them aren’t nice. Alright that’s a little cruel but here’s my reasoning behind it I don’t hear anything. With some metal the instruments are so loud that you can’t hear what the singer is saying and if you can hear him he sounds like he has some retarded speech disorder. I mean, it sounds like a lot of groaning. What’s so musically inspiring about groaning? I could just as easily wake up next to a few of my friends and I get that same kind of reaction. Also, a lot of metal lyrics are really dark. I mean, sure everyone tries to bring a message, but when you’re bringing a message about ripping people’s limbs off and eating there flesh, what are you trying to explain? The only thing that I can think of is that metal is a code word for crying for psychological help in which case the right people better be ready to listen.
Psychoticpulse: No Matty you’re not doing what I asked you to do.
Matty: You asked me to review metal Psycho! I’m reviewing it based off the general feeling I have of it.
Psychoticpulse: Alright then fair enough. Why don’t you review a few songs then so that you can get a real taste for metal?
Matty: Come on Psycho do I really have to?
Psychoticpulse: The box Matty.
Matty: Alright then you win give me your songs. Just don’t open the box I beg you.
Psychoticpulse: I thought you would see it my way.
Alright well since I’m reviewing metal I have been given a list of different types of metal. The first song on my list is “Run to the Hills,“ by Iron Maiden. Alright, this song loses right off the bat. I only listened to the first verse and I already wanted to kill them. Although there message is strong about the white man destroying everything, they themselves are white! So when they talk about how they fought the white man, did they smash mirrors wherever they went? I mean come on the message makes no sense. And then just to top it all off it talks about rape and killing children. Come on metal I don’t want my stereotypes to be right. I want to wake up every morning with the knowledge I give everything I try but you’re making it so god damn hard. I’ll give it one thing though, it does have good instrumentals. However this makes me wish that my other stereotype was right and that this song’s lyrics would be blocked out by them. Overall I’m rating this two out of five let’s hope the next song is better.
The next song I get to look at on my fun list is “Angel of Death,” by Slayer. Alright since you know I’m going to be ripping this song a new asshole by the end of this short review let me first say what I like. I actually appreciate the message this song brings out. Although rather disturbing, overall the holocaust was extremely disturbing so it would only be right if the lyrics matched it as well. Now that I got that out of my system, let me be the first to say that this guy sucks at singing! I mean, did he even try? It sounds like he’s trying to make the song harder to understand. Come on singer this is the first set of lyrics I agree with at least give me a clear delivery! Also I dislike the band’s music. Unlike Iron Maiden when the music was tolerable, this music is too beat crazy and I hate it. Fortunately I can mute it and turn on my new song. I’m giving this song another two out of five and let’s see how the next one pans out.
Matty: Alright, you know what I’m not reviewing this. I gave in to everything else but this is the where I draw the line.
Psychoticpulse: Do you want me to open the box Matty?
Matty: I don’t care anymore. There is no way in hell I am reviewing “Stripped, Raped, And Strangled” by Cannibal Corpse.
Psychoticpulse: You know I also have a bag full of yuri. Even if you survive the first wave there’s no way you’re getting past this.
Matty: Please, this has to end.
Psychoticpulse: And it will with the bag of yuri. “Begins to open bag and already Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune begin to make out.”
Matty: Alright you win! I can’t take it I fall to your blade.
So yeah, I’m also going to be reviewing “Stripped, Raped, And Strangled” by Cannibal Corpse God help me. I don’t even think I need to listen to the song the answer to my review is right in the title. I mean, come on could be any more subtle? It’s like walking around naked there has to be some kind of penalty for it. Yes it turns out there is a penalty for this kind of music and it is that I believe Australia which forbids them from having any concerts there. And as they should this kind of music really should have no place. I believe like rap, this music should be burned at the stake. This song gets a one out of five. Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover?
Now it’s time for my next song Hair metal: “Nothin’ But a Good Time” by Poison. Alright I enjoyed this song. There’s no rape or murder in the lyrics just a normal song. The singer is easy on the ears and so is the band. Well this is a good song. In fact, maybe this will change my entire perspective on metal. Well, it might once bands like Cannibal Corpse burn in hell. Until then, I’ll listen to this song from the shadows. This songs deserves a five out of five. Finally, something that I can say I enjoyed.
Alright now it’s time for my next song "This Calling" by All That Remains. I remember this song from Guitar Hero. I appreciate this song’s chorus but the verses can quietly mute themselves. While I’m confused on what the lyrics are trying to explain because the only thing I can translate is the calling verses and the lyrics aren’t helping too much. Oh well, the instruments were good and I can say that this is not the worst I heard so far. I’m rating this three out of five because it can be better, but I’m not complaining.
The next song on the list is “Inferno” by Symphony X. I can safely say that this is definitely a high lighter of metal. While it’s still playing on some of my metal stereotypes, it doesn’t obsess in them so I can actually enjoy it. I feel like a nobody feeling happiness, something that shouldn’t happen but is. This is actually making me really happy. In fact, since this song is making me so happy I’m going to give it a five out of five. Hopefully the last song won’t ruin it for me.
Holy crap did I choose the wrong song to end this review on. Incase you didn’t know, I am referring to “Through the Fire and Flames” by DragonForce. God this song sounds like it’s in a rush to be finish it’s going so fast. Not only is it in a rush it’s also not well constructed in any way. It’s just fast. I mean, is anyone trying to follow the lyrics? Another problem is that this song is aggravatingly long. I mean, come on! Couldn’t you shorten it to three minutes? I would even deal with four but seven minutes twenty one seconds?! Think of all the other things this band could be doing with there time if they weren’t making there songs as long as some computer games. They could be helping starving kids in Africa, finding a cure for cancer, or even driving off a cliff with Cannibal Corpse. Any one out of the three I would prefer. This song I’m giving a one out of five and don’t you dare comment on how I’m being too harsh.
So yeah, this is my review on metal. I have to admit it wasn’t as painful as I thought and to be honest, I actually enjoyed myself a tad. However in truth I will continue to see this genre of music through my biased eyes and it’s going to take a while before I’m ready to fully embrace it. Or maybe once Cannibal Corpse dies horribly I’ll give it another go either one is going to take time. While I wish I didn’t have to do this review, at least he didn’t open the bag again. Well, I’m logging off now. This has been a Sand Witch Review and until next time, your time is out.
-Mattysandwich
It's very interesting seeing an outsider's perspective. Not everyone has the taste to appreciate metal, but I'm glad there's at least some stuff you can like about it if you give it a chance.
ReplyDeleteWould you like to make this into a monthly column?